return

I have not been to this site or writing here for a long time. Gillie called me back, sending me an email that she had read it. It is good to be called back again.

I cracked this morning. I have been being really hard on myself about how lame i am socially; how akward and boring I am. Within moments, a circle of my women friends circled me in support. And it sure does help me to cry.

It is okay and understandable to be grieving right now. It is a death. And it is Kili's impetus; we are beginning to cleave; I do feel rejected, and am projecting that onto all of my relationships, so am feeling broken over everything.

Candles inside while it snows outside. Fat white flakes through the black and white lace/architecture of trees, roads, and powerlines. A point to light in the warmth inside, to the bluster of an Atlantic blizzard outside.

I fell in love with Kili three years ago, hungry for the security of the Cortes Island family and his impassioned drive, to watch him leave me 4000km from home. Halifax. It is a wonderful place; I love it; I wonder when I will leave it.

It seems that there is an amazing family (families of connnected families) here that calls me to a higher level, as well as the working-class grub I am used to.

Yes, I feel like there is room for me here, but I am still so ashamed of myself. I feel socially incompetent: i don't even know what it is or is not, but that I just feel like not enough or too much: just not a like-able balance.

Kira and Leslie both heard me say that, and supported that these are neurotic notions and my friends love me. This makes me cry. I have never felt very loved. Never felt lovable, and never believed people loved me.

This framework sure causes a lot of pain and feelings of failure in me.

So, I have a mountain of sghoolwork in front of me. I have not yet approached any of my profs to say that I am going through a divorce and will need extensions yet.

While I have some questions about whether or not this is really what I want to be doing, I am deeply excited about my path and do not seek to change the trajectory. I will continue to work, step by slow step, to being more conscious: more awake, present, joyful, open, thinking. Less scared and reaction-ing.

Thanks for listening.
j